A Cry for Help

Red Sox Diehardism is a primarily genetic condition (disease?), though there are many documented cases of Acquired RSD, usually due to geographical/environmental circumstances. There is no known cure.

There are three forms of RSD: acute, hemorrhagic and pessimistic remission. There is no mild form of RSD. Hemorrhagic, the rarest form, can manifest itself in certain Octobers. Researchers speculate that a World Series win may end the scourge of H-RSD, but a severe dearth of data is hindering further investigation. Most sufferers born before 1970 have seen their acute condition morph into pessimistic regression, with doctors noting 1986 as an interesting data point in experiments. Acute cases have been presenting in increasing numbers since 1998.

A related condition, Red Sox Fever, has many similar symptoms of RSD. This fever is actually caused by the bacterial agent Clostridium bandwagonia (related to botulism and a nerve-numbing toxic agent). Outbreaks are widespread in New England, especially when late summer conditions are best for the transmission of RSF, lasting for a few months. Certain strains of C. bandwagonia have been known to be longer-lived, including the current bug going around now.

Both RSD and RSF can be controlled by losing streaks, and missing the playoffs combined with an unimproving off-season has been known to completely wipe out a RSF strain. These conditions can also cause widespread pessimistic remission among those afflicted with RSD.

I have Red Sox Diehardism, inherited from my maternal grandfather. I believe my form of the condition is a slightly mutated form, with a main genetic indicator of pessimistic remission missing, but environmental conditions in the month of June have overcome even my genetic predisposition for optimism.

Local co-sufferers display their symptoms after another AWFUL HORRIBLE DISGUSTING and all-around NO GOOD game against the Evil Empire Spankees last night: Steve, Jim.

Will Pedro deliver some relief tonight? It would be just what the doctor ordered, and an acute form inducing July will be much appreciated, especially as the region may face an epidemic of RSF in August.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 1st, 2004 at 2:05 pm and is filed under Red Sox. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.