A Cry for Help

“A portrait of President George W. Bush using monkeys to form his image has led to the closure of a New York art exhibition over the weekend and anguished protests over freedom of expression.”
what the fuck country is this? i wasn’t aware that we had sacrificed the freedom of expression along with everything else in [...]

Hey, you know what’s like September 11th? Would you guess another horrific attack? A nuclear explosion in an American city? Having your hometown destroyed by your liberators?
Would you guess “not having a chapter in your high school biology book about ‘alternatives to evolution’”? No? Then you’re not Missouri State Representative Cynthia Davis:
[Davis] prefiled two [...]

while researching material for my upcoming post, “you might remember me from your ‘ignore list’ part 2″, i made the mistake of insinuating that mr. “relapse”’s (thats really his pic above, from his profile) e-girlfriend’s incessant rambling about homemade peanut butter fudge was really street slang for opium. apparently, i’ve just experienced the equivalent [...]

I hate my web host so so so much (yes, I’m shopping new plans). After almost 48 straight hours of downtime, I resorted to mirroring the site with Ultra Laser, mostly so I could get my email again, which has been bouncing back to people for 2 days now (please resend!) I also had a [...]

In case anyone is wondering, I’m ecstatic that Jason Giambi has been outed as the cheating biotch that he is. As if there was any doubt about his use of “performance enhancing” injections into his ass (must… fight… Jeter-bashing… joke… involving testosterone (a component of semen) injections in the butt) after he showed up to [...]

I was watching the news the other night when Jon Stewert* played a clip of outgoing Secretary of Scariness Tom Ridge talking about the months of planning that went into our famously ridiculed color-coded terrorist warning system. Now, I could go on a bit about how cynically politicized the rainbow chart is and has been [...]

so the other night i was drunk and i decided to visit a chat room we used to play on back in the day. well, i’ve never been much into the chatting scene so i decided to just be myself - full of quips, axioms, and other assorted witticisms. evidently, the shelf life for my [...]

hello kiddies. time for volume 2 of the bootstrapper’s unmanned aerial surveillance vehicle. i promise that the coming installments will be more interesting, but i just got rid of the “fam” and have had precious little time to work on my drunken project.
so basically, goal numero uno is to free up as much weight as [...]

Three years ago today, this was posted on the interweb, and A Cry for Help was born:
Here’s a list of people who called/wrote/emailed me and said Happy Birthday to me on Thursday: Emily, Jill, Erin, Mom, Dad, My Bro Mike, Whitney (no card!), Valerie, Lana. That’s it. The rest of you are in trouble.
As you [...]